What a week! The power of social networking put Betty White on Saturday Night Live as the oldest host ever and she wowed them. Chastity Bono officially became Chaz, legally changing her gender. As the Gulf oil crisis escalated, people began to ask if the initials BP really stood for Biggest Polluter. Another prominent anti-gay crusader, George A. Rekers, got caught with his pants down and a rent-a-boy. Though still scary, the Times Square Bomber fortunately turned out to be a real doofus. 

And on the local scene. 

• As I walked into the gym Thursday, a guy was standing outside smoking. I couldn’t resist asking if he was smoking before working out or if he had just finished. “Neither,” he replied, “I’m in the middle.”

• Worse pick up line of the week. A young guy at the gym asked an attractive young woman if he could follow her around and watch her work out. “I don’t know how girls work out. I want to educate myself.”

• My dog Bailey loves Pedigree Marrobone treats. Noticing that they now advertise on the package: Preferred by 9 out of 10 dogs, he wants to know what the 10^th dog prefers.

• Worse Mother’s Day promotion. Undergear sending out emails last week noting: Remember What Mom Always Said. Don’t Leave the House without Clean Underwear. At least they provided a coupon for 25 percent off all underwear purchases with the email. 

Then again I could be wrong about this week not outdoing last week. It’s only Monday morning but already legend Lena Horne has died and President Obama has announced his Supreme Court nominee. According to The Borowitz Report, Republicans were lined up in opposition just waiting for the announcement. House Minority Leader John Boehner (D-Ohio) reportedly had a release, compiled in his tanning booth, that stated: “I oppose the nomination of BLANK because I believe BLANK would lead the court down a dangerous path toward judicial activism. In short, I cannot think of a worse choice for the Supreme Court than BLANK.”  Republicans also are reportedly working on a new IPhone app called IOppose.

Teabaggers

First came The Tea Party which reportedly began as a legitimate anti-tax political movement. Now it seems to have been taken over by the racists, the illiterate and screaming-at-the-mouth protestors who taunt the homeless, spit on Congressmen and hurl racist slurs. Of course it doesn’t help that the person most associated with the movement is Sarah Palin, even though she’s a paid spokesperson.

Java Junkies

The Coffee Party recently emerged as an alternative to the Tea Party.  According to its website, The Coffee Party is based on the underlying principle that the government is “not the enemy of the people, but the expression of our collective will, and that we must participate in the democratic process in order to address the challenges we face as Americans.” Its stated goals include getting cooperation in government and removing corporate influence from politics.

The nascent Pissed Off Party is devoted to removing ALL incumbents from office. You don’t even have to change your party affiliation to participate. If you’re Republican, just vote out all the incumbent Republicans and vote for new Republicans. Likewise for Democrats or Independents.

Younger, Hipper, More Caffeinated

In view of the new world of political parties associated with beverages, I’m starting my own political party named after my favorite beverage: Mountain Dew. The Mountain Dew Party will be younger (work with me here), hipper, more caffeinated, and riding a sugar high. That means we’re more alert and we’ve got more stamina. We can outlast you no matter what you toss at us.

Interested in joining? We’re going to need to recruit members and raise funds. We’ll also need to hire a spokesperson. I’m thinking Carrot Top since he’s creative, energetic and no doubt could hold his own against Sarah Palin. But a spokesperson doesn’t come cheap. Sarah Palin reportedly banked $100,000 from her appearance at the Teabaggers’ Nashville gathering. No word yet on how much she’s raking in from her cross country tour. Come on, you didn’t think she was doing this just because she believed in the Teabaggers’ cause, did you?

But I never thought about the joy of suspenders in the bedroom. No, I’m not getting kinky here. I’ve always agreed with Bette Midler who said she considered going kinky until she realized you had to order all that expensive accoutrement.

Sometime during the past few years, sheet manufacturers decided to make sheets big – really big, even the fitted ones.  Although I have a Tempur-pedic mattress and it’s an eight incher – thick that is, the so-called fitted sheets, no matter what brand I buy, aren’t snug after only one night’s sleep. The rumpled sheets interfere with the effectiveness of the wonderful Tempur-pedic experience. Instead of it being like sleeping on a cloud, it’s like sleeping on a thundercloud.

Enough already! There’s got to be a solution, I decided. Searching the internet I discovered there are sheet suspenders.  And there are two options. The smaller ones that fasten to each of the four corners or two longer ones that run from the top to the bottom of the bed.

I’m a huge fan of ordering online. I’ve bought everything from my car to leather chairs and a coffee table to art work online. However, I resent paying a $6 shipping fee for something as small as sheet suspenders that cost less than $15. So off I went shopping, not realizing how difficult it would be to find sheet suspenders in the stores, despite the numerous resources online. Sometimes it’s just easier to pay the shipping fees.

The third store I hit had the type that fits in four corners. I didn’t expect them to work but since they were only $6, I decided to give them a try anyway. They did help somewhat, but I really needed the big boys, top to bottom.

Off I go shopping again. Macy’s doesn’t carry them. JCPenney used to carry them but stopped a few years ago. Kohl’s only had the four-pack variety. Anna’s Linens was sold out. The associate told me a lot of people had been buying them lately. Apparently they’re like me; they’ve just discovered the joys of suspenders in the bed. Note to sheet manufacturers – you’re making the sheets too big if so many people have to buy suspenders. Or, do you own the suspender business, too?

Bed, Bath and Beyond! Of course, why didn’t I go there first? BB&B had both styles and I didn’t even have to venture into the “Beyond” department. I got the top to bottom variety, snapped them on last night – and Viola!  Sleeping on my Tempur-pedic is again like sleeping on a cloud.  I’m off to float on my cloud and get some Zzz’s now.

Unlike those residents in previous years who simply stood up at the annual meeting and announced they were running for election to the board, I’ve decided to mount a campaign.

First I’ll need flyers to distribute so resident voters will know who I am and what my position is on issues facing our complex. Since many people may have seen me around but don’t know my name, I better add a picture to the flyer.

I’ll include my dog Bailey in the picture. After all, advertising agencies have been using dogs to sell things for years.  Look at all those dogs in the pictures of products in magazine and newspaper ads. Target even uses a dog!

But many residents are cat people. They might be turned off, at least subconsciously, by a dog. A friend, who had been president of her homeowners association, suggested I cover both basis by including a dog and a cat in the picture and loaned me one of her cats.

Picture Day. Bailey is perfectly agreeable and even seems to like the cat. But for some reason Snooki doesn’t want to be photographed with Bailey. Maybe he’s afraid his buddies will think he’s consorting with “the enemy.” We try and try but no luck, so we scratch the photo idea of the candidate with the dog and cat.

Babies always make good political props. But I don’t have any readily available. Wonder if Sarah Palin would loan me one of her brood? She’s up in Nashville with the teabaggers this weekend.

On to the rest of the flyer – the informational aspects. Got to let voters know my position on issues facing our complex.

• Improved landscaping. The landscaping is aging and needs updating. Oh, but to do that will require a fee increase and too many residents are opposed to that. Better stay away from talking about landscaping.
• The parking space assignment issue. I’m for it, as long as they don’t paint the unit number on the space. If the space is empty, it’s a pretty good clue that the resident is not home and thus a welcome sign for burglars. Oh, but some residents are upset at the parking space they are being assigned because they want a parking space closer to the door. I better tiptoe around the parking space issue for now.
• Maintenance can be slow. I’m all for improving the response time. But wait, to improve maintenance we will need a fee increase. Another issue to tiptoe around for now.
• Cutting off water to units where the owners are late on their fees. Yes, we have to do something to force them to pay. But wait, they can still vote. I can’t say we should cut their water off or I’ll lose their vote.

Too many landmines to maneuver around! Maybe those candidates who simply stand up at the annual meeting and announce that they’re willing to serve on the board have the right approach. Or maybe I can dig up dirt on other candidates and get them disqualified. Wonder if any of the married men are having an affair with someone in the rival complex down the street? Maybe one of them has fathered a child in that affair? It’s investigation time. What’s the National Enquirer’s phone number?

Since corporations have far more money to funnel into the process than most of us individuals, the ruling has been denounced as giving big business undue influence in our political process. It will also give foreign entities a greater voice in our electorial process as they contribute through their American subsidiaries.

In view of the Supreme Court decision, progressive PR firm Murray Hill Inc, with tongue firmly planted in cheek, announced it is filing to run for U.S. Congress. On its website, the firm calls its satirical plan to run for Congress the “First Test of ‘Corporate Personhood’ In Politics.” Murray Hill has also released its first campaign video on www.youtube.com/user/murrayhillcongress

“Until now,” Murray Hill Inc. said in a statement, “corporate interests had to rely on campaign contributions and influence peddling to achieve their goals in Washington. But thanks to an enlightened Supreme Court, now we can eliminate the middle-man and run for office ourselves.”

Murray Hill Inc. is believed to be the first “corporate person” to exercise its constitutional right to run for office. As Supreme Court observer Lyle Denniston wrote in his SCOTUSblog, “If anything, the decision in Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission conferred new dignity on corporate “persons,” treating them — under the First Amendment free-speech clause — as the equal of human beings.”

Murray Hill Inc. agrees. “The strength of America,” Murray Hill Inc. says, “is in the boardrooms, country clubs and Lear jets of America’s great corporations. We’re saying to Wal-Mart, AIG and Pfizer, if not you, who? If not now, when?”

Murray Hill Inc. plans on spending “top dollar” to protect its investment. “It’s our democracy,” Murray Hill Inc. says, “We bought it, we paid for it, and we’re going to keep it.”

Murray Hill Inc., a diversifying corporation in the Washington, D.C. area, has long held an interest in politics and sees corporate candidacy as an emerging new market.

The campaign’s designated human, Eric Hensal, will help the corporation conform to antiquated “human only” procedures and sign the necessary voter registration and candidacy paperwork. Hensal is excited by this new opportunity. “We want to get in on the ground floor of the democracy market before the whole store is bought by China.”

Murray Hill Inc. plans on filing to run in the Republican primary in Maryland’s 8th Congressional District. Campaign Manager William Klein promises an aggressive, historic campaign that “puts people second” or even third.

“The business of America is business, as we all know,” Klein says. “But now, it’s the business of democracy too.” Klein plans to use automated robo-calls, “Astroturf” lobbying and computer-generated avatars to get out the vote.

Murray Hill Inc. is launching the campaign with a website, Facebook page and YouTube video.

The latest secession is due to embarrassment. In the official document issued late yesterday, the state said that S. C. Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer’s comments comparing the poor to stray animals had simply put it over the top.

 “We simply cannot continue. South Carolina has become too much of an embarrassment to the Union. We feel that we must withdraw, lick our wounds and try to seek redemption. If at some time in the future we feel we have achieved that, we will petition the United State of America for readmission to the Union.”

Lt. Gov. Bauer, who is the Republican candidate to replace Mark Stanford as governor of South Carolina, told an audience in the town of Fountain Inn last Friday: “My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed. You’re facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don’t think too much further than that.”

In a follow-up statement released over the weekend, Bauer defended his comments, which had outraged many. “I do not care about being politically correct,” he said. “I care about being honest.”

Bauer follows a long list of recent embarrassments to South Carolina making one wonder if the problem is a result of genetics, the poor educational system or there is simply something in the water.

• First it was Gov. Mark Sanford, the pillar of the Republican conservatives and a married man with four sons, flying off to Buenos Aires to have an affair while telling his staff he was hiking the Appalachian Trail.

• Then came the news of a South Carolina man being arrested a second time for having sex with a horse.

• And who can forget Rep. Joe Wilson yelling “You Lie!” at President Obama during his address to the joint session of Congress. Or Sen. Jim DeMint, out harking his book, calling on his fellow politicians to defeat healthcare reform and make it President Obama’s Waterloo — without any concern for the huge number of uninsured Americans.

• Then we had a South Carolina deputy assistant attorney general and a former Republican state legislator being caught with a stripper in an SUV parked in a cemetery during his lunch break just before Halloween.

Congress graciously accepted the tarnished state’s secession without comment. There was no immediate talk of other secessions, unlike in 1860 when S.C. started a tidal wave.

Ripped from the headlines: Bush and Clinton to Lead Haitian Relief Fund. Am I the only one who finds this ironic? George W. who “handled” the Hurricane Katrina recovery (Remember his Brownie you’re doing a heck of a job.) has been asked to help Haiti. Maybe this is God’s way of giving him a chance to redeem himself.

But the most idiotic comment about Haiti came from Pat Robertson: “Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about. [Haitians] were under the heel of the French…and they got together and swore a pact to the Devil. They said, ‘we will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.’ True story. And the Devil said, ‘OK it’s a deal.’ Ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after another.”

Where are the funny females? Parade recently reported that there are no women on Letterman’s, Leno’s and Conan O’Brien’s comedy writing staffs. Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson reportedly have one each and in Ferguson’s case it’s his sister. Come on guys, women can be funny. Joan Rivers (before her skin was pulled so tight), Sarah Silverman (Kimmel, you know that!), and Sarah Palin (even when she doesn’t mean to be).

Terrorist PR problem. Most people can’t pronounce their names.  There’s never a terrorist Joe Smith tried to board the plane with a bomb hidden in his crotch. Instead it’s a name nobody can pronounce, spell or remember until after the media has blasted it at us 50 times.

On the tube: Luke Russert to replace George Stephanopoulos on ABC’s This Week? ABC is reportedly considering Tim’s son with the idea that it would help the show attract a younger audience. Come on guys, wrong demographics. Young people are still too hung over from partying Saturday night to watch This Week.

Isn’t Facebook wonderful? You can look up people you didn’t like in high school, haven’t heard about in 40 years, and learn that their lives turned out crappy. And by the same token, discover that people you did like have had a wonderful life.

Beaver gets a new name. The Beaver, Canada’s second-oldest magazine, is changing its name because its unintended sexual connotation has caused the history journal to become snagged in internet filters and has turned off potential readers. Founded in 1920, as a publication of the Hudson’s Bay Company, then a fur trader and now a department store chain, The Beaver will become Canada’s History with its April issue.

Remember phone booths? While eating lunch yesterday a woman at the next table argued on the phone the entire time. That made me long for the days when people would go into a phone booth and close the door so the rest of us didn’t have to listen to their banal chitchat. The disappearance of phone booths makes me wonder where Clark Kent is changing clothes these days. And with the demise of newspapers, where is he working when he’s not saving the world?

Healthy and tasty food find of the week: Trader Joe’s frozen Eggplant Parmesan. Vegetarian, baked and imported from Italy for $4.29. And to go with it a $3.99 bottle of Il Valore Sangiovese, also imported from Italy and available at TJ’s.

Unhealthy quote of the year: “Exercise freaks are the ones putting stress on the health care system.” Compliments of Russ Limbaugh. Instead of exercise maybe he wants us to resort to his prescription drugs.

The tail end: Bailey, my dog, has learned to ask for a full body massage. Now I’m afraid he’s going to ask for a “happy ending” with that massage.

But now I may never eat out again.

Until recently I’ve eaten every meal out since September 21 when the first floor of my condo was covered with a foot of water. My kitchen had to be ripped out down to the studs.

After almost four months my kitchen still isn’t completely restored, but at least now I have a semi-functioning kitchen – cabinets, a stove and a refrigerator. And those kitchen countertops that I thought would never get installed are finally in place. Try cooking without a counter to prepare the food or wash the dishes.

I no longer have to clean out the coffee maker in the upstairs bathroom lavatory in the morning. Believe me, folks, it just doesn’t work — the faucet is too low. If you ever run into this problem, resort to the bathtub even if it does conjure up horrible visions of Kramer from Seinfeld preparing a meal while showering. Forget about the environment and that washable mesh filter. Go back to paper filters for the duration. It makes life so much easier.

Here are a few other tips.

1. The insurance adjuster will tell you that they will pay in 30 days from filing. Plan on 45 days…or longer.
2. Double the amount of time the contractor tells you it will take to do anything.
3. Contractors don’t work on rainy days, or on days when it may rain, and sometimes even on days when there are no clouds in the sky. However, they will show up and work in the snow. It’s one of life’s great mysteries.
4. Contractors show up about 8 a.m. and knock off by 3:30, if not before, even though you and I work until 5 or later. Get used to it.
5. Don’t forget the “age factor.” Once renovation starts, the contractor will find things that are “old” and need to be replaced, even though they weren’t damaged by the flood. Result: Added time and added cost which insurance won’t cover.
6. No matter what you select because you are told it’s “in stock” (and therefore would reduce the restoration time) won’t be when you go to purchase it.
7. Add half again to the order time that the home improvement store tells you it will take to get any special order.
8. Go one shade lighter on any paint you are considering. It’ll dry darker on the wall.
9. Low odor paint? No odor paint? It ALL has a scent when you’re using it indoors in the middle of winter and it’s too cold to open the windows.  Avoid the $50/gal “no odor” and go with the cheaper paint.
10. Always measure precisely before you purchase, as for the space you have available for a stove or refrigerator. There’s nothing worse than getting a new refrigerator delivered and then discovering it’s half an inch larger than the space you have available.

Beyond that whatever can go wrong will go wrong. Things you never expected to go wrong will go wrong. Trips to the gym, meditation and an occasional glass of wine – uh, better make that a bottle – will make the process more tolerable.

Unlike Barbara’s selections, this list contains only eight. 

Sweetpea – Over seven hours, Sweetpea, a 145-pound Cane (pronounced Kayna) Corso near Akron, OH, recently give birth to 20 puppies, vying with a record for the number of live, natural, surviving births. With much tail wagging Bruno, her mate, reportedly has been handing out rawhide bones to his neighborhood posse in celebration.

Bo Obama – Last spring Bo, a Portuguese Water Dog, moved into the White House to assume the role of the nation’s First Dog. Other than having to give a command performance for Oprah’s White House Christmas Special, Bo has managed to live a relatively normal life. No reports of attacking, biting or digging up the rose garden. Bravo, Bo!

“Bud”(Real name withheld due to age.) — No ordinary bear, this 125-pound guy wandered inside a Hayward, WI, grocery store back in October and headed straight for the beer cooler. No, he wasn’t searching for a cold one, despite being in the beer capital state. He apparently just wanted to chill out. He calmly climbed onto a shelf in the beer cooler where he sat for about an hour before officials from the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources tranquilized him, removed him from the store, and returned to more natural surroundings.

Skippy – In May Skippy the kangaroo, apparently abandoned by his mother, was found helpless on the grass at the Global Wildlife Center in Folson, LA. Given almost no chance of survival, Skippy proved he had a strong will to live. (Kangaroos are born hairless and blind and looking very much like an embryo. They crawl over the mom’s fur into the pouch where their mouths firmly attach to a teat for the next several months.) The GWC’s Christina Cooper has hand fed Skippy every few hours and carried him around in a specially designed pouch. As Skippy grew, his head or feet began to stick out of the pouch and people became fascinated by the woman carrying a kangaroo. Cooper plans to reintroduce him to the other kangaroos but joeys don’t wean fully until 16 months. Here’s a slideshow of Skippy’s life, so far, here. 

N1H1 Cat (Named withheld under patient confidentiality laws) – This poor 13-year-old kitty is Patient Zero – the first cat known to be infected with H1N1. The domestic short-hair was treated at the Iowa State University State College of Veterinary Medicine and has recovered. The virus has also been confirmed in two ferrets – one in Oregon and one in Nebraska — but they both died. 

Mindy – A Maltese-poodle mix, Mindy survived more than three months in the woods of northwest Massachusetts among owls, foxes, coyotes and bears. When Mindy was found in mid-November, she weighed just 3 pounds and was infested with fleas. She was lost during a family trip in August when her owners stopped at a rest area. Each thought the other had put Mindy back in the car. On November 13, a father and son found Mindy, “effectively blind” because her fur was matted over her face, running around in circles about 30 miles away from where she was last seen. Mindy is recuperating at home and is putting on weight.

Sugar – Life for this filly, now 21 years old, has been anything but sweet in South Carolina. A man was caught having sex with her last year and put on probation. Then this summer while still on probation, he was caught having sex with her again. This time he was sentenced to three years in prison where Sugar no doubt hopes he’ll get to experience what he did to her.

Baloo, Leo and Shere Khan – Oh, My! Lion, Tiger and Bear. This American black bear and African lion and tiger prove that animals of different breeds can get along, so why can’t we? They have been living together at Noah’s Ark, a rescue reserve near Atlanta, since 2001.  All males, they were rescued as cubs and live together in perfect harmony. Perhaps they should have been given the Nobel Peace Prize. Here are some pictures of the trio:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/noahs-ark/

Apparently the world’s greatest golfer is worthy of his name in areas we never knew about, judging from the women eager to scream, “I slept with Tiger.” An alleged voice mail told one woman he would wear her out. There were also reports that he had met one woman eight times during which they had 20 sexual encounters. Tiger may need a double Kobe Special to get out of this mess.

But come on News Media, a lot of other things were happening that you avoided or gave only token coverage. For example:

Regis went out for hip surgery. That offered the opportunity for some fresh talent to sub on his morning show. We vote for the bubbly Michael Buble. His recount of getting a massage by a beautiful Russian while he secretly fantasized about the possibility of a “happy ending” was hilarious.

TV Mom Meredith Baxter, reportedly up against a tabloid threatening to “out” her, revealed she’s gay to Matt Lauer …for anybody who cares. I guess her partner of four years does.

The Jackson Brothers continued to capitalize on the death of Michael by getting their own reality TV show.

Aretha Franklin, backed up by a choir, gave a rousing kickoff to the Rockefeller Center Christmas lighting with “Joy to the World.” But just how many small critters had to die for that fur coat with matching headpiece that she had to keep pulling away from her mouth in order to sing?

Motor mouth Howie Mandel opened up about his secret battle against OCD. Bravo, Howie, for spotlighting the disorder which affects an estimated 40 million.

Saying he considers his movie career a complete failure, Alec Baldwin added that he’ll quit acting once his 30 Rock contract is up. Is his contract coming up for renewal soon — or are those rumors of his political ambition about to come true?

And then things got really strange.

Jesus Christ was dumped from a jury pool for being disruptive in one of those only in Alabama stories. Apparently the woman just couldn’t live up to her name change.

And one of those bizarre California stories: After John and Susan Maloney and their two young children died in a crash, news crews flocked to their street in Sonoma. Pictures of their three-bedroom home were featured on TV showing a memorial of flowers on their doorsteps. Smelling opportunity, a Redwood City man with a history of grand theft and his girlfriend drove 70 miles to Sonoma, broke into the dead family’s home, ransacked it of jewelry, electronics and financial records and drove off in their 2006 Nissan 350Z.

Holiday Crazies: A man dressed as an elf was jailed after he told Santa at an Atlanta mall that he was carrying dynamite. The mall was evacuated and searched but no explosives were found.

Christmas Gift Idea: Hallmark’s Recordable Storybooks. These Storybooks feature voice capture technology that records the reader’s voice directly into the book. When a child turns a page, the book automatically plays the text in the reader’s voice. Great gift from Grandma, Aunt Sue, or a parent in the military or on the road for work and miles away from the child during the holidays.

Surprisingly good and easy holiday treat: Nestlé’s Ultimate Chocolate Chip Cookies with Caramel Filling. The dough with filling is already prepared. Just break it apart and pop it in the oven for a few minutes.

Commercial that leaves you asking, did I just see that? Reebok’s Talking Boobs commercial. The boobs are jealous because the butt is getting all of the attention as a result of the “owner” wearing Reebok’s EasyTones. Tag line: Better legs and a better butt with every step. http://www.reebok.com/microsites/easytone_reebok/?cm_mmc=msn-_-Reebok_Marketing_Media-_-TVC_Talking_Boobs-_-talking_boob_commercial

As for me, I’m waiting for Reeboks that flatten the stomach – preferably without a lot of exercise.

Oh yes, the President announced that he wants to send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan.